Nobody likes having difficult conversations. They lead to arguments and that in turn, lead to stress. However, perhaps the real issue is that difficult conversations set the stage for very poor listening that eventually leads to its own breakdown. More specifically, it creates obstacles to authentic listening. The breakdown of a conversation is often characterised by parties just talking past each other, focused only on their own hurts and hearing only for the things that will let them score a ‘point’ against the other. What is even more tragic is that such exchanges have become a problematic norm in our world today. Now, it might be tempting to say that this is squarely within the realm of psychology. In reality though, it is difficult to discuss the psychology of this without at least looking at the science of the brain when we’re in the midst of a terrible conversation. This is very important because these tough, conflicted conversations are an inescapable fact of life. There are limits to how we can avoid them, regardless of topic. But the sooner we understand what obstacles are being set up, the sooner we can mitigate their negative effects and come closer to truly mutual understanding.
Obstacle #1: The Fight or Flight Response
When in a heated argument, your amygdala actually activates to put you immediately in the fight-or-flight response or survival mode. It does this by blocking the pathways to your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that is responsible for tempering emotional responses. This is because you have already perceived a threat from the other person, whether it was something they said or the topic they brought up. Unfortunately, because your brain is having a harder time accessing its more critical thinking skills, you start to, as they say, lose your cool. Hence, practice mindfulness even in the midst of conflict. Be aware that your brain is already positioning you to fight instead of being able to properly process the things the other person is saying.
Obstacle #2: Poor Auditory Processing
Speaking of which, auditory processing is the scientific term used to describe your brain’s ability to piece information from the sounds you hear. It includes not only being able to figure out speech. It also includes your ability to filter out noise as well as gauge the volume of a person’s voice. On the other hand, stressors and other factors could also hamper this process. You might misinterpret a person’s style of speaking to be hostile, which leads to further misunderstanding about what they are saying. This is even more likely for people diagnosed with auditory processing disorder (such as those with autism or sensory processing difficulties). Words that are said too fast or too loudly are completely incoherent and make conversation almost impossible.
Obstacle #3: Noise and Other Agitators
Never downplay the impact of noise on the brain. Even if you normally have a healthy capacity to listen, you have to remember that your brain also needs to expend additional effort to filter out noise. And the noisier the environment, the more your brain has to work. This in turn weakens its ability to perform other tasks like paying attention, and staying focused on processing what the other person is saying. Similar principles also apply to smell and sight. The point is, if you want to talk about a difficult subject with somebody, best do it in a quiet place, well-lit and free from other distractions. This will make it easier for everyone’s minds to be more conscious of what they hear and say. As mentioned earlier, there is no avoiding difficult topics or disagreements in life. You just have to be prepared to really talk it out before it escalates. But rather than pure psychology, be aware of other things at work in your brain and in your environment that make it easier for talks to break down and mitigate the overwhelming signals the situation can bring. If you need any advice or support, then know that we at the Australian Tomatis Method are still here to help you. Please reach out if you need to, either by email at info@tomatis.com.au or by phone to Francoise at 0414 444 915.
